Yesterday I received a lengthy comment from a gay high school student I’ll call “Stephen”. He lives in a rural area. The school he attends is a small one. I’m going to post his comment here, but I am changing all of the names in his comment so no one can trace his remarks to him. The environment he lives in seems rather hostile toward gay boys, and he doesn’t need any more trouble than he already has in his life. Here’s what he said:
“I wish I could come out but there are so many reasons why I won’t right now.
I live in a small town which i wont disclose of because I don’t want people to know where this comment is coming from. I’m currently a senior and my high school is so small that in my graduating class there are only 69 students. People at my school hate gay people and I think there might be one or two at the school, but the rest are all straight. I don’t want people to know because i am afraid that something might happen.
“This is my second reason why I’m afraid to leave the closet and it’s because of my parents. Have you ever had a dad that drops the words “faggot”, “gay”, “queer” and many more on a daily basis, multiple times a day? I hate it when my dad is watching the news and they pop up a gay couple because of what he says. I know deep within my heart and soul that he would hate me and throw me out and possibly more, if he knew I was gay. My mom is a little bit different. She tends to watch more shows about same sex couples, but the only words I usually hear come from her mouth are “gay”, “homosexual” and “fag.” But I know she acts this way because of my dad.
“I do have a high school crush however. His name is Tyler, and last year was when I met him. The first time i met him was with my friends at the bowling alley. One thing that was different about him was how fast he warmed up to me. Nobody ever puts their arm around me to take a picture or scoots so close to you that you’re touching. When I got to know him even better that’s when I basically fell in love with him. There would be times where we would be alone at his parents’ home in the basement and we would sit there and act weird and make faces at each other except the only thing was that our faces were so close we were nearly touching. Eventually my mind was infected by him. I couldn’t keep him off my mind and it was impossible to get rid of him. I texted him and told him I was gay and I was literately terrified of what the response would be. He accepted me for who I was and he told me a secret which was that his cousin was gay also.
“The next time I went to Tyler’s house he treated me differently, but in a good way. He was smiling at me more and getting even more close to my face and I swear at times he was going to kiss me but he didn’t and i wish he would have. I asked him to be my best friend and he said yes. He would say hi to me every time he saw me in the hall. But after awhile he started talking less and less to me outside of school, but he would always talk to me inside of school. I started to think that he only wanted to be friends in school and on 12/21/12 it wasn’t the end of the world, but the end of our friendship.
“A couple months went by where we didn’t talk at all, and then one day he randomly says hi to me. The thing was he didn’t even talk to me outside of school or hang with me anymore at that point. I texted him with anger and told him off, but what I’ve been noticing is that when I tell him to “F OFF” or something he wont say hi for a while. But eventually he will say hi again, even though I have told him to stop because we aren’t friends anymore.
“Here is another story about Tyler. Before all this happened, there was one night when we were at the bowling alley again with a friend. His name is Ben and he is bisexual. Anyways, Tyler kept stealing Ben’s coat and Ben got mad at him. Then, at the end of the night, Ben unexpectedly kissed Tyler on the cheek. Tyler didn’t really have much of a reaction except saying, “gross.” Then, the next time we all went bowling Tyler kept asking me if he should make Ben mad again, like last time.
“Long story that has been slightly shortened. I finally asked Tyler if he was gay and he said he is not that type of person, but at times I wonder. I’m still currently in love with him but he doesn’t know it and we’re not friends at the moment. The other day when I was walking to my car from school he was walking in front of me on the sidewalk and he kept glancing at me. When he was walking towards his truck he said hi to me again. I’M SO CONFUSED IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!”
H-m-m-m … “Stephen”, thanks for sharing your situation with me and the folks who follow this website. First of all, don’t let the hostile environment you live in make you hate yourself. You have a right to be yourself and to find love from another boy. But it doesn’t sound like that’s going to happen while you’re in high school, not at the school you attend. Be patient, you will find a boyfriend in time. Do you have plans to attend college? May I suggest a school in another part of the state you live in? You’ll find it far easier to meet other gay boys in college.
I’m sorry your parents are not accepting of gay people. They are who they are. If I were in your shoes, I’d wouldn’t come out to my parents either, not if I was living under their roof and dependent upon them for life’s necessities. Again, be patient. You can tell them when you’re on your own.
As to “Tyler”, your love interest . . . I have been in your shoes more than once. There’s nothing worse than falling in love with a straight guy or a guy who thinks he’s straight. It also sounds to me like Tyler’s playing games with your head. Maybe that’s because he’s confused about what he wants from you. If I were you, I’d spend time with other people and try to forget about Tyler as best you can. If he does have a romantic interest in you, fine. You’ve already told him you’re gay. Now the ball’s in his court to take the next step.
Good luck, “Stephen”. Please stay in touch and let me know how you’re doing.